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Maybe Heaven has Livejournal...
I figured I'd use the oldest, most embarrassing photo of us.  I didn't want to take this picture, but I'm glad you made me. Even if my hair did look like shit. I just wanted to tell you, that you've gone down as one of the most influential people I've ever had the privilege to meet. You were my first friend in Spring Hill, and for that I thank you. You took me around, from place to place, party to party, introducing me to everyone I've known. Without you, I would have been leading a completely different life. You were the first person I fell hardest for, and it's taken four years to be topped. I'll never forget smoke breaks in your garage, or the days we'd skip and sleep all day in your room. Without you, I wouldn't know who the Spill Canvas was, where Deltona Park is, I wouldn't have started watching Sex in the City, I wouldn't know how to play quarters, or beer pong. I would never know where Bayport is, I wouldn't have tried Budlight, I wouldn't have tried Marlboro menthols, I wouldn't have tried chicken wings, or pizza with ranch. I'll never forget that you hated fruit, or that the first time I met you, you were wearing a green sweater, which matched your green shoes. I'll never forget that your mafia car smelled like crayons. I'll never forget how it felt to hold your hand. I'll never forget the times we built tents in your living room. I'll never forget the freckles on your nose. I can't drive by Domino's without thinking of you. I can't listen to Incubus without thinking of you. And every time I smell Rave hairspray, the only thing I can think of is our hugs, and how I'd give up anything to give you one right now.
I thank you, Ash, for the times I'll never forget. For the amount of kindness you showed me, all throughout my knowing you. For teaching me so much about myself. For never hating me, despite the arguments and insults I'd so willingly throw out. I know we had our turmoil... but in the end, I still wouldn't trade it. I thank you for the countless times you've carried me, cleaned up after me, let me cry on your shoulder, let me sleep all day, picked me up when I needed a ride, and for the countless amounts of gym shorts you let me borrow.
And Ashley, I want you to know that you were my standard. you were what I wanted everyone else in the world to be. You were my perfection, for years, and even now... there is no one who has come close to you. I've cried myself to sleep numerous times over you, over us, but I never imagined that the last tears I would cry would be over your death. I never imagined that I would lay in bed, holding a newspaper article for hours, numb to everything. I'm trying my best to learn from you, to honor you and respect that you wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone. you were so sweet to me, even if we were fighthing. I'll never forget how fast my heart would beat when you were around, how my palms would get all sweaty before you'd come to get me, how much trouble i'd got in for you, how you were the only thing I would watch... you were everything to me, ash. I wish you knew that. I wish you were here. I'd do anything. I'll never forget the night that we laid on your car, and looked up at some stars... which is something I normally scoff at. there's nothing significant about stars, until now. Every time I look up now, Ash, I know you're looking back down. I know we drifted, but could you blame us? It's hard to hold together two people so resiliant. But, because this is for you... not anyone else, I'm asking, do you remember the time a year or so ago, when you lived in your old house alone? Do you remember the tents we made in your living room? Do you remember the carrot fight night? Do you remember the nights at the park? Do you remember the mornings, when you'd leave early, and I'd sleep until you got back? I'd give anything to go back. Do you remember our marketing class, and how utterly boring it was? I wouldn't have made it without you. I just wish you were still here Ashley... so I could tell you all of this in person. I've always been so bottled up when it came to you, and I completely regret it. I never thought you could make me cry more than you already have in the past five years.
I hope that you're happy up there, with Amber... I know you missed her.
And I'll be missing you.
I just hope that you believe me, for once, that you always were, and will always be, in the back of my head; a constant reminder of how easily things can be taken away. I'll always love you, even if you were a butt head.
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So, i backed up into someone last week. It's hardly noticeable on my car... it's a small dent, and a scratch. The car runs fine... nothing had to be replaced. My mom has consistantly made me feel like shit for the past two weeks about doing this. Mind you, this is the same mother that got a DUI 2 years ago, and nobody made her feel bad. Everyone pitied her because she's got "a problem" and needed "help". I back up into something and i'm obviously satan for doing so. Anyway, Jim won't talk to me because of this. He swears i was drunk when i did it, but... i wasn't. He just thinks that because it happened on Homecoming night around 11:30. He hasn't talked to me since then. He was usually my ride home from school because I always have to stay after, and i don't have a car 6/7 days. I got stranded at school twice now, because lol, i can't call him. My mom says she feels bad and tried to confront him about it, but knowing her she pussed out. She's such a push over. I hope i never end up as weak as she is. So, she tells me that she'll buy another car. 2k or under. Right. So, i start looking around for the best bucket i can find. I found a really cute car, surprisingly, with low mileage. It was $1995. When i went to show her, suddenly- she asks if my dad can match it. I understand where she came from with it, but, i don't see why she didn't ask beforehand. I never would've started to look. My dad doesn't make enough money for like anything, so i just don't ask. Anyway, this starts a big argument. I argue that i don't use the car enough to call it my own, and asked her to stop saying that she bought ME a car. She bought herself one. i don't use it. ever. So... suddenly, the offer to buy a new bucket for ME so i could get places, you know, like any normal kid, lol... has turned into me buying myself a car. If i had a job where i made enough money for these things i really wouldn't care. But i don't. I take 5 college classes ontop of virtual school, and just normal school itself... I can't work during the week. On the weekends i don't mind but that's only 3 days pay if i'm lucky. I usually would just get 2. I can only work 5 hours, so that's only 10hrs a week... If i'm lucky enough to get that. Usually my pay check is around 100$, for two weeks. I know it's totally pathetic but when you don't pay for gas and get a ride to work as it is... it's really not too bad. I don't normally have transportation or time to spend it in the first place. But point being, if i had to take out a loan... that's around 150 a month. Which still isn't bad, but uh, then i'd have to pay for gas. And my new insurance. I just think it's really dumb how in a matter of 3 hours my mother has managed to flip an entire generous offer into a suggestion to buy a car. It just doesn't make any sense.
She has a tendency to place the blame of her leading an absolutely meaningless life that SHE'S fucked up... on me.
It's really not my fault she married a drunk, is a drunk, and drives a shitty car. It's totally not my fault she didn't finish college and got married at 18. It's not my fault that she's weak and lives with a 70yr old man who manages to dictate her lifestyle. It's still not my fault she works at Macy's and hates her life because of it.
I feel no sympathy for stupid people, even if it is my mom.
Don't comment on this or anything, it's just pointless banter.
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Here's a cute story!
Like really.
No sarcasm at all!
I decided to wash my sheets finally, because like, i never do that. I just sleep ontop of my comforter.. anyway.
I decided to wash my sheets.
Now, normally, this task requires like... a little bit of effort, but for me, this is a great task.
My bed is pushed up against the wall, and, it has a head and footboard. it also is like, larger than other mattresses... it's got some sort of comfy feather thing on the top. Anyway.
Sheet changing is a big fucking task.
SO i rip my sheets off, theyre in the wash, btw, andddd.. i wrestle enough with the new sheets and finally get them on.
I go walk by my living room and i see that Diva is outside... it's pouring rain right now, by the way.
I mean pouring.
My poor baby was stuck in the rain :( and i didn't even know.
So i let her in, and i dry her off with a towel, and she gets all happy and rolls on the carpet.
And i come on here to stare at the computer screen some more...
and when i turn around...
what do i see?
a big fat wet Diva laying on my new sheets :(
dangit.
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So it (was) sunday, and Hanna woke me up relitively early and we left for Heidelberg. There, we met Caleb, Fabienne, Erin, Fabio, Stefan and Ethan. Erin, Hanna, Fabienne, and I went to go get ice cream while the others just shopped or something. The ice cream was delicious. Later we went home and i packed a 3-day bag for Fabio's house. Around seven we went over there and ate dinner. Hanna left and eventually Erin and I (after seeking sneak out routes, we failed) went to bed.
Monday. We went to school, but, not really. School for us was really just talking softly and sleeping on occasion. After school, Morris & Mazze invited Erin & I to Bergfest (pt. II). We were supposed to go to the swimming pool, however. So we declined. We met Courtney, Luke, Lukas, and Brock at the swimming place. So from there we sat in some empty room until Erin and I couldnt take it and asked if we could go to Bergfest. Everyone was up for it. Fabio said he was going to count our beers, so, we said we had to go to the bathroom and got Striped shirt boy to go buy us two. And then we did that again. And again. And by the fourth beer, i had enough drunkconfidence to say to Fabio, "Fab.. can we plleasse just get like, one beer". So, 3 for 1. haha. Kerry and Jenna showed up around 10, but we had to leave. Instead we bargained to come home at 1030. Didnt work. Way too drunk. Luke and Brock gave us both piggy back rides down the hill, and walked us home by 1130. His parents were piiiisseeedd. But we thought it was, kind of.. stupid. Whatever. This night we ended up smoking cigarettes without filters on the roof, and were too afraid to leave the room lol.
Tuesdayyy.. We went to some museaum that sucked, but we did not drink! After that, at the trainstation, we all decided to walk to this bar Crissinis'. It was a cute place. But, however, it opened at 6. It was like 450. So we waited around outside. In the midst of waiting, the Davenports (our chapperones) walk by. Erin Ethan and I ran away lol. Thank gosh. We had just gotten a talk that "there has been rumor weve been drinking every night" and here we are waiting outside of a bar. Anyway. By the end of this night.. we were drunk and watched an old guy dance like crazy. Tonight was also the night Erin and I made up everything about Harry Potter, but that doesnt mean anything to any of you.
Wednesday we went to the art meausem and got lost on the way home trying to find the train. that was totally all Frau Manns fault. but whatever, of course we got yelled at. Hanna came home today and we all barbequed and celebrated Americas Independance. haha. The barbeque was goooood. Went home to Hannas.
Thursday and it was starting to hit me that i was leaving really soon. =( Tonight was suppose to be one euro shot night but you see, we got banned from Hard Rock. SOOO, no shots. Stayed sober. We went to their jazz and choir concert. It was surprisingly fun, just because all of the americans had to sit and talk and shit. Afterwards we got pizza and i called Caleb an asshole and eventually we left before 1200.
Friday finally. THE DISCOO. =) We had a "farewell party" to attend first. All of us loaded up on foods and drinks and left at around 8. At eight, we walked to Fabiennes house.. and her parents let us drink there for a bit. We had a few shots of this fruity vodka or something. Some others had a beer. Some just had water. We left there at like 830. We went on the train and met alllllll of our german boys =). Like, absolutely every one of them was on the train. We (erin & i) were so freaking happy. So we get to the club and erin & i could only get beer because only Phil was willing to buy us anything else (have to be 18). Five beers later and there was pole dancing. I dont remmeber a lot of what else happend but i know i loved it.
Saturday and i was pretty freaking sad. We went to Cedars around seven or eight. Erin and i drank as much as we always do.. but for some reason nothing hit us. We think it was because this was one of our last nights, and we figured that the germans wouldnt do anything on sunday. Becaues of school. Turns out we would. Cedars was nice but i think its become incredibly boring in 2 years.
Sunday , the lassssst day =(. Hanna tells me that were going to the river for a barbeque with everyone, i originally thought it would be really lame. I was kind of mad because i couldnt go to Mazzes with Erin and Morris. But whatever. We went to eat instead and it was delicious. So we get to the train and wait for the others. Finally Erin, Mazze, and Morris step out of the train and Erin comes up to me and goes "I have a going away present for you". It was a huge bottle of our favorite drink! This night was amazing. We got to the feild and there was some sort of fest going on, which was good because then we could buy more beer! We put down our blankets and shit and somoene ended up grilling little sausages. Erin and i drankdrank. It started to rain, like usual, so we went to Cedars. Once there, some didnt want to buy one drink.. which is what you have to do to stay there. So they left. So we all left. We went to some random ass bar and Erin and i drank tequila like usual. Somehow, Morris ended up having my keys.. and he still does, my keys are in Germany. =( I went home and packed a very little bit because.. well, packing abilities werent the best.
Monday we woke up 3 hours later from when we went to bed. So, with three hours of sleep we went to the bus. I said bye to her mom, and waited around. I ended up being the only one fucking bawling. Erin was crying but not too bad because, she doesnt leave until the 18th. So, i cry almost all the way to the airport. Once in the airport we got Starbucks and cigarettes. at 1000 we boarded the plane. While it was taking off i started crying so bad. About 4 hours into the trip i was eating a Wheat Thin and i cracked my tooth into fours. That sucked. My ipod was dead so i was just forced to sleep or read. It really wasnt that bad of a flight. I got to the airport and Katie picked me up.
i want to go back. =(
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don't go thinking this is relataing to anyone, but
is this not the cutest?
Love is syrup and butter drizzled over Saturday morning pancakes. It's taking three hours to go all over town to find your favourite candy, even though I realize that you just had dental surgery, and green apple Airheads are probably not allowed. Love is falling asleep in your arms, comfortable despite the fact that the merry-go-round beneath us is cold and rusted; despite the swarms of audacious gnats that surround us, like tendrils of thick fog that muffle the sounds of the distant softball fields Or, maybe it's me, hiding in my closet, crying on the phone, because I did something that scared me and you, too, but you're strong enough for the both of us, for a little while. Love is feeling hurt that you weren't there when I needed you, and it's the hollow bruise on my heart that blossoms when you're the one hurting...whether I caused it or not. So many things I want to tell you before you leave. I love you. Three little words that carry the weight of the world on butterfly wings. And when you say them, to someone, it's like taking your soul in your hands and saying Look. This is who I am. I am giving it to you freely. No strings attached. It's scary - one of the most frightening things in the human experience, is to let someone know that you love them. To let them see you truly, as you are. And to know that they accept what you are giving them, and that they are sacrificing the same for you...that knowledge is nectar and ambrosia, and bread and milk - food of the divine and susentance of the physical. Combined into a single, emotional certainty that I keep locked within my soul. A constant candle in the dark. I guess, what I really want...need to say, is thank you.
i knew you'd agree.
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offically, the chief editor of yearbook next year :)
oh and i started dating nathan but that isn't as important today lolol haay.
SO YEAH, next year. Me, Cougil, the rest of the people who just don't matter half as much. I had to meet Taryn (SP?) and Donnie (SP?!). They told me everything that i would have to know and go through and be committed to. I don't know if this will conflict with soccer, but if it does, i'm willing to give up a sport for it. Mrs. Cougil told me that basically, in the chain of people who have a major say and opinion in nearly everything, i am second, only being under herself. SO BASICALLY THAT'S GOD DAMN AMAZING. I would be honored if i had been in yearbook these past two year, but now i get to be super honored. Apparently, Cougil went and talked to Lessley about me, to see if i'm... worth it, perhaps? Regardless. Still so happy. I had to sign a contract and shit lol.
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 LOL'IN CAUSE IT'S SO TRUE.
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cr4nkh34rt's journal
